Heart to Heart. H2H, if you will.

I just started following this blog: 

 
www.laurenrebecca.com


She is a mother, jealous-when-your-boyfriend-talks-to-her beautiful, and incredibly sweet, intelligent, reflective, and honest. In a recent post, she had a little "heart-to-heart" with readers, and I absolutely loved hearing more about her. Being the creeper I am, I'm doing a link-up that she doesn't know about... (Sorry for bein' a weirdo, Lauren). Below is my own little "heart-to-heart"- an attempt to get my blogger juices flowing, so I can get back to posting hilarity and excitement. Plus, I know there are people in my life who appreciate a good H2H...


I mentioned in a post last week that I appreciate writers that share what's REAL in their lives. If we were friends, we'd share those real things with one another. If we were friends, you would know that what's real for me right now is the emptiness I feel with my work. It can be such a negative place. I don't feel like I'm making an impact. I feel like a task-master, whose tasks are unnoticed, unimportant and unchangeable. Something I don't share aloud is that I often feel the only worthwhile job in my life will be parenting. I think about it every day, I have an intrinsic sense of how hard but rewarding it will be to teach, nurture, struggle with and love a child. I know I can never KNOW, but sometimes it hits me, and I just GET it.

If you were a friend, you would know that I've spent the past few months letting go of someone amazing, but wrong for me. I've struggled through the "stages of grief" and am mourning the loss of something special. I've spent time defining myself as an individual, building stronger relationships with friends, and embracing adulthood in a way that I haven't before. At the same time, I've been making room for another incredible person. Someone who thinks of others first, someone who truly values family and friends. He is talented, driven, adaptive and incredibly sweet. He is honest and kind, and values ME. We are aligned in so many ways. I'm excited to be part of his life, have him in mine, and to see where the universe takes us.

If you were a friend, I'd want you to know that I wish there were more hours in a day, days in a week, weeks in a year to spend quality time with everyone I care about. It breaks my heart a little when I realize there are special people who I haven't made a priority. It makes me feel anxious, guilty and sad...which leads to procrastination and avoidance, because WHAT IF those people are mad at me now? I wish I could really nurture every relationship in a more attentive way.

This WILL come off as a bit ridiculous, but I worry that I might be too compassionate. (It's OK to be surprised, I suppress it a LOT.) The problems I can't solve can be crippling- from worldwide, universal issues to the concerns of my nearest and dearests. I feel a stifling obligation to take on the pain and confusion that goes on around me. I also feel badly for things that logically don't matter, can't matter:

This weekend I joined my mom for her Jazzercise class. It was innocent enough, until I picked up a set of 4lb weights. One of the weights was covered in plastic, palm-saving rubber...rubber which had cracked away on the other weight, and left its iron structure exposed. I felt bad for the Broken Weight. I used the Broken Weight more than the Pretty Weight, so the Broken Weight would know it was loved even though it was broken. And then I thought...what if the Broken Weight is broken because it used to be the prettier one, and everyone else loved it more, used it more, and the constant love wore down the plastic to make it break? What if the unbroken weight thought to itself "finally! Now is my chance to be the prettier weight and be loved like my counterpart is loved!"...and then I, Stephanie, continued to favor the well-loved weight, while the unbroken one was rejected, lonely and confused about why no one wanted to lift it. It messed up my whole work-out mojo.

Does that make any sense at all? It's ridiculous. Potentially insane. WEIGHTS DON'T HAVE FEELINGS! (Or DO they? This is the conversation I have with myself in my head...)

If you were a friend, I would expect you to laugh in my face about that one.

If you were a friend, you would know I prefer red wine to white, except at weddings. You'd know that I love my dog, but might never want another one. If you were a friend I'd tell you that I don't care much for celebrities, I can't stand girls who act dumb to get their way, and I have terrible buyers remorse. I make lists to keep myself organized, and have three calendars- one for work, one for social activities, and one to carry in my purse. You'd know that I'm not good with technology. I'd share with you that I hate laundry more than any other chore, and that I'm one of those people who is a sucker for making others laugh. It makes me happier than most other accomplishments, and I think most people appreciate the effort. Care to share anything about yourself that I'd know if I were a friend?


In closing, if you read all that, thank you (and you must be bored). You can roll your eyes if you like, but I feel good about this over-share and getting some things off my chest. I think my lack of blogging has been a result of reservation and shyness in opening up as I adjust to my latest life-chapter.


Happy Monday! (Monday? What the heck? This weekend went so fast!)