Wednesday, October 14, 2015

The lies I'll tell my sisters kids

I just decided that I'm going to tell my sisters' kids lots of lies. For my own entertainment. Upon discussing with them their views on letting colicky babies suck on whiskey soaked rags (obviously a old-timey idea that I'm not actually proposing they do) they said I can't babysit for their little ones.

Because I'm defiant, but also creative, I thought "I'll show them!" and came up with the following, potentially disturbing lies to tell their kids. You are welcome to borrow these ideas to scare your neighborhood kids this Halloween, if you like:

(your mom was born with an extra baby arm that she had to have removed...don't ask her to see the scar, she's self conscious)
(your mom stays up all night staring at you, trying to read your mind. It works)
(your mom can see extra colors, including the color of heaven)
(one time your mom got a tattoo of a chinchilla on her butt but got it covered up with your dad's name)
(when we were little, your mom used to tie up her baby dolls and make them eat dog food)
(your mom isn't your real mom, she's an alien that adopted you. When you're nine, you're going to move to outer space)
They decided my impromptu and creepy lies are probably the reason why my cousin Elizabeth was afraid of me for a few years.

I hope you'll all come visit me in the loony bin...

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