Don't read any further. This post is like all the rest. I've been spiraling for three days and just needed a space get it all out in one train of though- a space to exhale.
As much as I am pro-woman, I did not vote for Hillary Clinton because she is a woman. That had very, very, very little to do with it. Nothing, really. I voted for her because I think she is smart, extremely driven, well-qualified and respected across the globe. I have been disappointed, however, in her ties to corporations, her poor decision to jeopardize our safety through that darn external email server, and what seems to me to be her obvious "face of the party"- all of her marketing felt desperate to me. It felt insincere and contrived. She was not the candidate I would have hand-picked.
But I believe in equality, I believe in taking care of the people around you and doing the right thing for the safety, respect, and well being of EVERYONE on this globe. We've done a lot of bad things to other countries, to people in our own country, to our environment and to "minorities" who are rapidly becoming majorities. Although not a perfect candidate, Hillary has demonstrated for decades that she tries to help. Tries to make the difference for those who are disenfranchised and she did it by playing the game. She's shaken hands with the right people to make the agreements she felt necessary for an ultimate goal of providing resources to those who need them. The game is the problem, but it seems to me that she played it for the better.
I can understand the conservative desire for stricter financial decisions and for the fear that many people have had about the safety of our military, but what I do NOT understand is how those same people, who have daughters, wives, sisters, nieces...who have autistic children or disabled friends...who work with someone whose genitals have no impact on their work ethic...who live in communities where people work hard and have demonstrated that they are kind, generous, responsible people...can justify a balanced budget over the hateful and violent and outright WRONG things that are being done to those people they consider "loved ones" and friends. Turning a blind eye to what their desire for money has done.
I don't want our country to be in debt. I don't want our military to be at any greater risk. I want people to take legal and thoughtful steps when realizing their own dreams to live and work in America. But no matter how reasonable those ideals are- this president elect has brought out the worst side of the meanest people in this country. It's not fair. I'm so upset. I feel terrible that I didn't canvas for her. I feel like I should be punished for not pushing harder on the members of my family who likely supported him. Right now, I am embarrassed to be from Ohio and to be standing under the America flag. I can only assume that once the sting and shock wears off, I will regain some of my patriotism and optimism for what our future can be.
I don't want to live in a country of "free-loaders". I work hard, I pay my taxes and I've absolutely seen people take advantage of some of the systems we have in place and I don't like that not everyone makes the moral choice, but GOOD GOD, how can any of us hang our hats on the meanness that is taking place? How can we justify this push toward abandoning those most vulnerable and those most in need of support? This president elect may have a democratic past. He may have overseen large numbers of people in his work. He might have some good ideas for our national budget and for protecting our military. Unfortunately, that's not what his campaign was built on. It was built on empowering the meanest, most shocking people in our culture who, despite decades of proven value, want to hurt others- be in through the hateful words, the violence, and even the non-verbal communication, like BUILDING A FUCKING WALL. To be clear, I'm NOT talking about "all conservatives" in a blanket statement. I'm talking about the man who forced himself on a woman in the gas station parking lot and asked her "are you afraid now, you liberal cunt?" I'm talking about the people who are putting up Texas Vigilante signs proclaiming violence and I'm talking about the KU KLUX KLAN, who formally endorsed this candidate. And yes, that racism and hate existed before today. There will always be people who think that those who are different are bad. But I'm so concerned that this could become the norm because OUR PRESIDENT has lighted the way. Fight hate with hate? How much violence will our communities see? How many people will die? Maybe this is God's way of creating population control? Kill half of the people, and make the rest of them scared to procreate?
I hate that I am white, 30 year old woman from Ohio. No matter who you ask on any side of any issue, my demographics are "part of the problem". There is nothing I can say to anyone that won't be tinged with biases that say "SHE IS THE PROBLEM". I'm shocked that so many people in my state and country disregarded the idea that someone, anyone, would physically or verbally violate me and treat me as "less". That the people who I love would treat my LGBTQ friends as "less"- even if they "work hard", "go to church", "pay their bills" and "served in the military"- all the things they want, right? Because of money. That's it. That's all this boils down to. Where is our compassion? Where is our human decency?
I'm just so upset that the worst of those among us, who live by hate and hurt, have been handed the baton. I'm going to have to do better in 2020.